An Ample Distraction
by shooting-stetsons
Summary: *Spoilers for ASiB* A text conversation recovered from the late Sherlock Holmes' recovered mobile phone backup deleted memory, between himself and the late Irene Adler the night of her death. Based on an Omegle conversation


TheWoman (01:32):  
>Good morning Mr Holmes. Let's have dinner.<p>

SH (01:33):  
>Oh, it's you...<p>

SH (01:33):  
>I don't want dinner, stop texting me.<p>

TheWoman (01:34):  
>I'm not hungry either.<p>

TheWoman (01:34):  
>Let's have dinner.<p>

SH (01:34):  
>No.<p>

TheWoman (01:35):  
>Why ever not? Afraid your doctor will be jealous?<p>

SH (01:37):  
>Leave me be, woman.<p>

TheWoman (01:39):  
>Oh, you know you love this. The attention, the praise...you eat it up.<p>

SH (01:39):  
>Hardly, stop the texts.<p>

TheWoman (01:40):  
>Fine. I'm going soon anyway, so it will hardly matter.<p>

SH (01:42):  
>Good, international messaging too expensive?<p>

TheWoman (01:43):  
>No, Moriarty's planning to have me kidnapped and executed.<p>

SH (01:44):  
>Of course he has. You're the one who enjoys bathing in attention too much I think.<p>

TheWoman (01:45):  
>I'm a sex worker. I make a living off of attention.<p>

SH (01:45):  
>They don't pay you to text them, do they?<p>

TheWoman (01:46):  
>Sometimes, if they're in the mood but can't get away. Why?<p>

TheWoman (01:46):  
>Am I boring you?<p>

SH (01:48):  
>We've been over this. I shouldn't be feeding you the attention, should I?<p>

TheWoman (01:49):  
>And I shouldn't be feeding you. Yet look at us both.<p>

TheWoman (01:51):  
>Personally I'd like you to be eating something else entirely.<p>

SH (01:56):  
>Yes, what would you have me eating?<p>

TheWoman (01:57):  
>Do use your imagination, dear; isn't that what you tell your coppers?<p>

SH (01:57):  
>That's surprisingly juvenile. Even for you.<p>

TheWoman (01:58):  
>Once again - look at us both.<p>

SH (02:00):  
>Me? I'm not the one trapped in a Carry On film.<p>

TheWoman (02:02):  
>Ha! Oh, good! I was beginning to forget why I liked you.<p>

SH (02:03):  
>Why do you like me? Will no one else reply to you?<p>

TheWoman (02:06):  
>I like you because you're clever, you idiot.<p>

SH (02:06):  
>Can't you read the blog like the rest of them?<p>

TheWoman (02:07):  
>Of course I can, but that doctor makes it all so romantic. I prefer a more scientific retelling. I like the way you tell it.<p>

SH (02:08):  
>I wasn't aware that I did tell 'it'<p>

TheWoman (02:09):  
>You did, once. I found it almost intoxication. Oh, baby, talk brainy to me.<p>

TheWoman (02:09):  
>*intoxicating<p>

TheWoman (02:09):  
>Look at you, driving me to typos.<p>

SH (02:10):  
>Why don't you talk moderately clever to me for a change?<p>

TheWoman (02:10):  
>Give me something to talk about, then.<p>

SH (02:12):  
>How about that job of yours?<p>

TheWoman (02:13):  
>It's a bit difficult to talk brainy about professional domination.<p>

SH (02:14):  
>You only have to be moderately clever about it. If you can't manage that then you can select your own topic.<p>

TheWoman (02:14):  
>Fine.<p>

TheWoman (02:15):  
>People - especially people in a position of power - enjoy submitting because they spend all of their professional time domineering over others.<p>

TheWoman (02:15):  
>Not only is it a juxtaposition of their own status, but there are certain erotic qualities in sado-masochism.<p>

TheWoman (02:15):  
>The sensation of pleasure is only two sashays away from pain, after all. Though you wouldn't know that, would you Mr Holmes?<p>

SH (02:16):  
>Wouldn't I? You assume too much. As usual.<p>

TheWoman (02:17):  
>Your brother and nemesis seem to know otherwise.<p>

SH (02:19):  
>My brother? Why were you talking to him?<p>

TheWoman (02:20):  
>I'm afraid I can't tell you that, Mr Holmes.<p>

TheWoman (02:20): Confidentiality and all that.

SH (02:21):  
>I don't think I want to know. You should try texting him, he'd be more responsive I'm sure.<p>

TheWoman (02:22):  
>Afraid not. Clever though he may be, his mind is not so open to possibility as yours.<p>

TheWoman (02:22):  
>He observes what he needs from his surroundings. You observe everything.<p>

SH (02:27):  
>And what do you observe?<p>

TheWoman (2:28):  
>I observe what people like.<p>

SH (02:35):  
>And what do I like?<p>

TheWoman (02:40):  
>Now that...that one, among other things, is an exception.<p>

TheWoman (02:41):  
>You seem to be my exception in every meaning of the word, Mr Holmes.<p>

TheWoman (02:44):  
>Let's have dinner.<p>

SH (02:44):  
>I'm still not hungry.<p>

TheWoman (02:44):  
>Nor am I.<p>

SH (02:45):  
>Then why do you want dinner?<p>

TheWoman (02:45):  
>Because I crave it.<p>

SH (02:46):  
>You are aware that most restaurants will let you in unaccompanied?<p>

TheWoman (02:47):  
>But I want to try dinner with you, at least once.<p>

SH (02:48):  
>This isn't some sort of euphemism, is it?<p>

TheWoman (02:50):  
>Oh, at last he catches on. Self-proclaimed most brilliant man in London and it takes this long to decode a euphemism.<p>

TheWoman (02:50):  
>I deplore your reputation Mr Holmes.<p>

SH (02:51):  
>How am I to know your mind?<p>

TheWoman (02:52):  
>Well, you claim to know the minds of everyone else.<p>

SH (02:57):  
>Not many people are like you.<p>

TheWoman (02:57):  
>Thank you.<p>

SH (02:57):  
>That wasn't a compliment.<p>

TheWoman (02:57):  
>I think it was.<p>

SH (02:58):  
>Ah, so you do know my mind?<p>

TheWoman (02:58):  
>No. Not many people are like you.<p>

SH (02:58):  
>Thank you.<p>

TheWoman (02:59):  
>That wasn't a compliment.<p>

TheWoman (02:59):  
>Do I sense a pattern?<p>

SH (03:00):  
>I think you might.<p>

TheWoman (03:02):  
>It seems we've reached an impasse.<p>

SH (03:03):  
>Looks like it. Will you stop texting now?<p>

TheWoman (03:03):  
>Never.<p>

SH (03:03):  
>You really should.<p>

TheWoman (03:04):  
>Why ever should I?<p>

SH (03:04):  
>It's a waste of my time.<p>

TheWoman (03:05):  
>Yes, but this is an ample distraction on my end. Not much work to be had on the run.<p>

SH (03:06):  
>No? Can't you stand on the corner with the rest of them?<p>

TheWoman (03:06):  
>Ooh, someone's feeling catty tonight.<p>

TheWoman (03:06):  
>You could always go back to ignoring me like you used to.<p>

TheWoman (03:25):  
>What made you reply this time, anyway?<p>

SH (03:27):  
>A string on my violin snapped.<p>

TheWoman (03:28):  
>Oh, you poor thing. Composing more sad songs?<p>

SH (03:30):  
>Something like that.<p>

TheWoman (03:31):  
>Who's this one for, then?<p>

SH (03:31):  
>Not you.<p>

TheWoman (03:31):  
>I guessed as much, though excellent defense.<p>

TheWoman (03:32):  
>Come on, tell me. It's not as though I'll spill the beans.<p>

SH (03:33):  
>Maybe not. It would go straight onto that phone of yours though, wouldn't it?<p>

TheWoman (03:35):  
>I have a new phone. Your brother took mine. And this new one doesn't have room for trivialities like the people Sherlock Holmes writes sad songs for.<p>

SH (03:36):  
>Storage is cheap these days.<p>

TheWoman (03:38):  
>Once again, I shall point out that work is scarce lately, and I can't exactly whip out my plastic for everything now, can I?<p>

SH (03:39):  
>I'm sure you have enough squirreled away for a laptop and truecrypt.<p>

TheWoman (03:40):  
>Mr Holmes, I do not care enough to save that information. Or perhaps I care too much?<p>

SH (03:43):  
>And I don't care how much you care. Why does a sad song need to be for someone?<p>

TheWoman (03:50):  
>It doesn't need to be, I just guessed that it was.<p>

SH (03:50):  
>A poor guess then.<p>

TheWoman (03:51):  
>Most sad feelings people have are due to other people, after all.<p>

SH (03:51):  
>*Most of most people's<p>

TheWoman (03:52):  
>Of course; you're not most people.<p>

SH (03:52):  
>Exactly.<p>

TheWoman (03:54):  
>Still, it doesn't have anything to do with Dr Watson's new girlfriend, does it?<p>

SH (03:55):  
>Nothing whatsoever.<p>

TheWoman (03:55):  
>Are you certain?<p>

TheWoman (03:55):  
>It's alright, I won't tell.<p>

SH (03:56):  
>Absolutely. You're not going to start writing slash fiction, are you?<p>

TheWoman (03:57):  
>Ha! I'm surprised you even know what that is.<p>

TheWoman (03:57):  
>Doesn't offend your virgin sensibilities?<p>

SH (03:58):  
>Another assumption there?<p>

TheWoman (03:58):  
>Well, yes, of course.<p>

TheWoman (03:58):  
>But let's make it fancy and call it a deduction.<p>

SH (04:00):  
>Who's catty now?<p>

TheWoman (04:02):  
>It seems we have quite a bit in common when it comes to our defense mechanisms.<p>

SH (04:03):  
>Wishful thinking.<p>

TheWoman (04:03):  
>Is that all?<p>

SH (04:03):  
>As far as I can deduce.<p>

TheWoman (04:03):  
>Deduce or assume?<p>

SH (04:04):  
>Deduce.<p>

TheWoman (04:04):  
>Final answer?<p>

SH (04:04):  
>Final answer.<p>

TheWoman (04:06):  
>Mm, what a pity. I could have done some real work with you, Mr Holmes.<p>

SH (04:07):  
>Spare me the details.<p>

TheWoman (04:07):  
>Oh, I shall. Wouldn't want to make you blush.<p>

SH (04:08):  
>I don't think that would be the issue.<p>

TheWoman (04:20):  
>Do you still have my ringtone?<p>

SH (04:20):  
>No.<p>

TheWoman (04: 21):  
>Shame; it was funny while it lasted.<p>

SH (04:22):  
>That depends on your sense of humor. Have you tried Viz?<p>

TheWoman (04:23):  
>Viz?<p>

SH (04:25):  
>It's a magazine, I'm surprised you haven't heard of it. It's right up your street.<p>

TheWoman (04:26):  
>I'll have to check it out sometime.<p>

SH (04:26):  
>You'll enjoy it no doubt.<p>

TheWoman (04:26):  
>How thoughtful of you, Mr Holmes.<p>

SH (04:34):  
>I'm going soft.<p>

TheWoman (04:35):  
>Not soft, not at all. Just a bit more human, perhaps.<p>

SH (04:35):  
>I should hope not.<p>

TheWoman (04:36):  
>Human is better than soft.<p>

SH (04:37):  
>That depends, how human? How soft?<p>

TheWoman (04:38):  
>Well a soft human is a weak human.<p>

TheWoman (04:38):  
>You're still well above human status.<p>

TheWoman (04:38):  
>But closer.<p>

SH (04:39):  
>I don't think I'll ever be 'human status'<p>

TheWoman (04:40):  
>I should hope not!<p>

SH (04:40):  
>Thank you.<p>

TheWoman (04:45):  
>The world would be a sad place without you, Mr Holmes.<p>

TheWoman (04:45):  
>Sad and stupid.<p>

SH (04:46):  
>You've been reading your own slash?<p>

TheWoman (04:46):  
>I beg your pardon?<p>

SH (04:47):  
>The fan fiction. Or was it lost with the camera phone?<p>

TheWoman (04:49):  
>Ha! Oh, that was just an amusing little gift from Kate. She follows your doctor's blog. And its fanbase.<p>

TheWoman (04:50):  
>Those girls can get quite imaginative, can't they?<p>

SH (04:51):  
>I wouldn't know, not a fan.<p>

TheWoman (04:52):  
>Perhaps I'll ask her to send you a few samples. She likes it.<p>

TheWoman (04:52):  
>Did you know there are even people on Facebook pretending to be you and your doctor?<p>

SH (04:53):  
>That's not surprising in the least.<p>

TheWoman (04:54):  
>Oh yes. Not in the fraudulent sense, of course, but in a more whimsical one. They get your character all wrong.<p>

SH (04:54):  
>Of course they do, they're only human.<p>

TheWoman (04:56):  
>Yes but even your doctor's a bit off.<p>

TheWoman (04:56):  
>They always make him a bit fat and stupid, even moreso than he is in life.<p>

SH (04:57):  
>He's not fat, or stupid, by your standards.<p>

TheWoman (04:57):  
>He was a bit spongy round the middle last I saw him.<p>

SH (04:58):  
>Maybe you should be texting him.<p>

TheWoman (04:58):  
>He doesn't interest me.<p>

SH (04:58):  
>No? Why not?<p>

TheWoman (05:00):  
>He's not you, obviously.<p>

SH (05:07):  
>No, he's not.<p>

TheWoman (05:08):  
>I want to talk to you.<p>

SH (05:08):  
>I can see that.<p>

TheWoman (05:09):  
>Any chance of dinner yet?<p>

TheWoman (05:09):  
>I'm actually a bit hungry, now.<p>

SH (05:10):  
>Aren't you on the run?<p>

TheWoman (05:10):  
>I can always make a pit-stop.<p>

SH (05:11):  
>To London?<p>

SH (05:11):  
>Haven't run very far, have you?<p>

TheWoman (05:12):  
>Well, would you like to meet me somewhere more convenient?<p>

SH (05:12):  
>I'm still not hungry,<p>

TheWoman (05:13):  
>You have to eat sometime, Mr Holmes.<p>

SH (05:13):  
>Perhaps, but not with you.<p>

TheWoman (05:13):  
>With whom, then?<p>

TheWoman (05:14):  
>No, wait, I already know.<p>

TheWoman (05:14):  
>You really are an exception, aren't you?<p>

SH (05:14):  
>Yes, I am.<p>

TheWoman (05:15):  
>Well, I'm happy for you.<p>

SH (05:15):  
>Good.<p>

TheWoman (05:20):  
>I have to go soon.<p>

SH (05:21):  
>How awful for me.<p>

TheWoman (05:22):  
>I know, I know. Don't worry, though; I'll be in touch again soon.<p>

SH (05:22):  
>I was worrying that you'd say that.<p>

TheWoman (05:30):  
>But really, thank you for humoring me. It has been a welcome distraction.<p>

SH (05:32):  
>I imagine it has been.<p>

TheWoman (06:45):  
>Goodbye Mr Holmes.<p> 


End file.
